I'm scared.
Scared of everything. Scared of my dreams and how big they are. When my mind starts on it's journey I never stop at mediocraty. My dreams reach beyond anything I've ever been taught possible.
I'm finally in the beginning stages of "chasing" my dream and while I haven't gone anywhere in this race, I'm already "paralyzed with fear," as an 8 year old boy said to me half way up the rock wall.
I've been discouraged so much internally from singing that I feel that if I do it then I HAVE to succeed! Failure is not an option, which unfortunately makes it that much more nerve racking. I'm afraid to prove THEM right and I'm afraid to prove myself wrong. And the reason I'm afraid right at this very moment is because I already feel the shame of failure because I haven't even stepped on the track.
So it's a dilema of motion. If I don't fight for the life I want, then I'll be living a life that just happened to me. If I fight for the life I want and fail, whether they say it to me, think it in their minds, or tell somebody else, they will always feel like they were right and I should have taken their advice and not wasted so much time. Played it safe...
Life doesn't want me to play it safe. Life won't even let me get a normal job INTERVIEW! Let alone a safe and stable job.
At the same time I don't actually know how to take risks. I don't know what it means to calculate a risk. I'm scared of risk. For heaven sakes it took me an entire year and four months to allow KP to be my boyfriend! Even though I knew I loved him and God Himself had told me that he was the one...
But isn't it totally crappy to live in the middle? My dreams are lightyears beyond mediocrity, yet my life does all of nothing to reflect that. I live through words. Talking and writing and talking about what my life will be like "someday."
Without doing anything I have become my own biggest disappointment. I hope and pray that someday this mediocrity will motivate me.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Shrinking Evil
Am I evil? Am I incredibly evil? No. The other day my sister asked/told me that I should start a blog because it's so easy and I love to write. True, all of that is true. What I didn't do was tell her that I've already started one. And that I sporatically keep it up.
Thing is. Nobody knows the kimmy that writes is here. This here is not "public kimmy." This is private kimmy, the one that nobody knows exists. People on the outside don't know that I actually have a brain and I'm not eager to share it. There are already too many expectations for me that I can't reach and if they knew that I had actual thoughts and life crisis' it would make me just like them. That's not what the world needs, they need me to be creative, artsy and happy.
What "they" don't know is that I'm stuggling big time out here. I'm facing my biggest fear of having moved to New York in the first place. Not making it. I did fine the first two years and I am finally feeling the financial tug of this city and it's YANKING on me down.
I just worked out my budget and to put it simply...I won't be eating next week. I wish I was joking. With my monthly expenses, and my new boss having cancelled on me more days in the last two weeks than I've worked...I don't know.
I've never lost weight before because I couldn't afford food. I usually have to work out like I have a disorder to see any significant body changes. Although the compliments have been nice lately, give it another week and I'm afraid these compliments are going to turn into wispers in passing about how thin kj is getting. And I'll look like all those sick girls in Soho who I used to hate on because I never had the will power to refuse food to the extent that they did.
Is it weird to envy that?
I now long for the days where a $5 footlong from Subway and a Starbucks cookie was affordable and the only thing I'd eat all day. Now I spend a maximum of $20 a week on food. Survival food. Brown rice, frozen spinach, broccoli, and peas, apples maybe a specialty item, maybe meat, and cereal. Spending $5 in one place now is just plain reckless.
I don't need people's sympathy, worry or money. I need a...dare I say it...(It's funny I actually don't want to say it)...but I need...
a REAL job =/
Thing is. Nobody knows the kimmy that writes is here. This here is not "public kimmy." This is private kimmy, the one that nobody knows exists. People on the outside don't know that I actually have a brain and I'm not eager to share it. There are already too many expectations for me that I can't reach and if they knew that I had actual thoughts and life crisis' it would make me just like them. That's not what the world needs, they need me to be creative, artsy and happy.
What "they" don't know is that I'm stuggling big time out here. I'm facing my biggest fear of having moved to New York in the first place. Not making it. I did fine the first two years and I am finally feeling the financial tug of this city and it's YANKING on me down.
I just worked out my budget and to put it simply...I won't be eating next week. I wish I was joking. With my monthly expenses, and my new boss having cancelled on me more days in the last two weeks than I've worked...I don't know.
I've never lost weight before because I couldn't afford food. I usually have to work out like I have a disorder to see any significant body changes. Although the compliments have been nice lately, give it another week and I'm afraid these compliments are going to turn into wispers in passing about how thin kj is getting. And I'll look like all those sick girls in Soho who I used to hate on because I never had the will power to refuse food to the extent that they did.
Is it weird to envy that?
I now long for the days where a $5 footlong from Subway and a Starbucks cookie was affordable and the only thing I'd eat all day. Now I spend a maximum of $20 a week on food. Survival food. Brown rice, frozen spinach, broccoli, and peas, apples maybe a specialty item, maybe meat, and cereal. Spending $5 in one place now is just plain reckless.
I don't need people's sympathy, worry or money. I need a...dare I say it...(It's funny I actually don't want to say it)...but I need...
a REAL job =/
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Let me introduce you to winter for the rest of your life
Lately I feel more lost than usual.
Spiritually, emotionally, physically, career wise...I've never actually had it together, but now I am well aware that I really have nothing together. So if you must continue to read, just know that this is just a pity party.
I'm frusterated that I am so useless is the job market. On paper I have no worth. None of the jobs I've had in the past 11 years of working have any value in the market place and my resume fails to land me any respectable jobs. It's not because I have a bad resume, on the contrary, I've had my multiple people look over it and critique it. Even my sister who has worked in HR and recruting for 10 years, it's been reformatted, reworded and sent all over the place to no avail.
I know that I can do any job, I'm more than capable to get any type of work done. I'm smart! I really am hardworking, good multi tasker, gets the job done with no complaining, well maybe sometimes...I didn't lie on my cover letter just to fit the buzz words in! But how do I fit it into the paragraph that I'm dazzling in person, but the paper Kimmy really sucks?
Another thing knocking on my brain is that I really want to sing and ultimately want that to be my career. But I don't know the timing of that. Although I am working on a demo, I don't know how long it will take until I can seriously depend on that as an income. So should I even stress over not being able to get a "real" job, and focus totally on the singing? I'm just tired of having dead end jobs. Or more accurately, jobs that I don't want to grow with.
With all my free time lately I've also discovered that this relationship that I thought I had with God is in shambles. It's been slowly revealed to me how much time I don't spend growing with the Lord, and acknowledging His exsistence in my life. On top of it I'm reading this book about Brother Lawerence, the happiest monk that ever lived, who totally 100% gave his life to the Lord and how fullfilling of a life he lived. I try to argue that he lived in a different time (1600's) but I've always been an advocate of "everyone deals with the same problems no matter when they lived or where they grew up." Therefore my argument in completely invalid. I could have that life, but apparently I choose not too, and instead think that I can do a better job with my life than God can.
This post itself proves that I'm doing a pretty lame job keeping this thing called "my life" together.
I haven't worked out in weeks, maybe a month, maybe more. But it's not really an issue because I can't afford to eat very much so I'm inconspicuously not fitting into my tight jeans anymore because they are getting too big and my rings are sliding off of my fingers. Oh I wish I had this problem in college!
I could complain about wanting to go home, but I'm over that fight. It's clear to me that I'm not done here in NYC and God must have something planned for me out here that California can't do for me. I think He's waiting for me to give Him some attention, ever since I moved here it's been all about me and My Life, My Job, My Relationship, My Apartment...I haven't totally let him be here with me. What a useless way to live.
Anyhow, I know this is a season that must happen in life. It's winter and I have to go through this mayhem to take joy from the spring. yada yada yada...it never get's easier. I never get used to it. I never remember what it was like before. And I never know how to get out of it.
Kimmy let me introduce me to yourself next year. Because trust me you will meet her again and again for the next winter for the rest of your life, and you'll want to get to know her.
Spiritually, emotionally, physically, career wise...I've never actually had it together, but now I am well aware that I really have nothing together. So if you must continue to read, just know that this is just a pity party.
I'm frusterated that I am so useless is the job market. On paper I have no worth. None of the jobs I've had in the past 11 years of working have any value in the market place and my resume fails to land me any respectable jobs. It's not because I have a bad resume, on the contrary, I've had my multiple people look over it and critique it. Even my sister who has worked in HR and recruting for 10 years, it's been reformatted, reworded and sent all over the place to no avail.
I know that I can do any job, I'm more than capable to get any type of work done. I'm smart! I really am hardworking, good multi tasker, gets the job done with no complaining, well maybe sometimes...I didn't lie on my cover letter just to fit the buzz words in! But how do I fit it into the paragraph that I'm dazzling in person, but the paper Kimmy really sucks?
Another thing knocking on my brain is that I really want to sing and ultimately want that to be my career. But I don't know the timing of that. Although I am working on a demo, I don't know how long it will take until I can seriously depend on that as an income. So should I even stress over not being able to get a "real" job, and focus totally on the singing? I'm just tired of having dead end jobs. Or more accurately, jobs that I don't want to grow with.
With all my free time lately I've also discovered that this relationship that I thought I had with God is in shambles. It's been slowly revealed to me how much time I don't spend growing with the Lord, and acknowledging His exsistence in my life. On top of it I'm reading this book about Brother Lawerence, the happiest monk that ever lived, who totally 100% gave his life to the Lord and how fullfilling of a life he lived. I try to argue that he lived in a different time (1600's) but I've always been an advocate of "everyone deals with the same problems no matter when they lived or where they grew up." Therefore my argument in completely invalid. I could have that life, but apparently I choose not too, and instead think that I can do a better job with my life than God can.
This post itself proves that I'm doing a pretty lame job keeping this thing called "my life" together.
I haven't worked out in weeks, maybe a month, maybe more. But it's not really an issue because I can't afford to eat very much so I'm inconspicuously not fitting into my tight jeans anymore because they are getting too big and my rings are sliding off of my fingers. Oh I wish I had this problem in college!
I could complain about wanting to go home, but I'm over that fight. It's clear to me that I'm not done here in NYC and God must have something planned for me out here that California can't do for me. I think He's waiting for me to give Him some attention, ever since I moved here it's been all about me and My Life, My Job, My Relationship, My Apartment...I haven't totally let him be here with me. What a useless way to live.
Anyhow, I know this is a season that must happen in life. It's winter and I have to go through this mayhem to take joy from the spring. yada yada yada...it never get's easier. I never get used to it. I never remember what it was like before. And I never know how to get out of it.
Kimmy let me introduce me to yourself next year. Because trust me you will meet her again and again for the next winter for the rest of your life, and you'll want to get to know her.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Working Relationships
I don't really get it. I don't really get life and why things happen. I try to rely on the Lord and to trust that what He wants to happen will...but my brain interfere's with His process. I'm suppose to "Let Go and Let God work" but I want to know what's going on!
Especially when it comes to me and Kirk. Lately I've been feeling like we are more of a Kimmy and Kirk that a couple. My sister may have been right when she said that our relationship is that of good friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend. Which I can't say is all bad. I appreciate that.
But what I don't feel is appreciated...
A lot of the times I feel like instead of being a part of Kirks life I am just a pleasant little perk that comes around every couple of months. It really stinks.
He makes it seem like he's an expert in relationships but I don't feel him really committing to me when I'm away. But don't get me wrong, when I'm around and it's us together it's like us against everybody, and he treats me like I'm the only one in the world. Which is why I get so confused and go back and forth on how he really feels.
If I was somebody else looking at our relationship of course I'd say that he's not that into me, and that he only shows up when it's convenient for him. But being in the relationship I can see deeper into what makes him tick and the complexity of our relationship. Clearly we're not the only ones with this issue but every relationship has it's own set of rules and boundaries.
We've both committed ourselves to each other and each of us take what we say very seriously. He thinks about everything he says so his words have integrity. I've never known him to say something that he doesn't mean or promise something that he is not committed to. And when I told him that I loved him and would never leave him I was fully committing myself to him and I didn't take that lightly.
So I can't just run off and break up with him just because people (aka my sister and my roommate) have given me negative feedback about our relationship.
This is when "working" at the relationship happens and these are the rough times that you commit to making it through so that you build together and get stronger.
Doesn't make them any less intense and the thought of going through things like this doesn't thrill me at all. But I'm willing to do it because I am a woman of integrity who honors what she says and backs it up with actions and I know that he's the same way.
And the fun begins...
Especially when it comes to me and Kirk. Lately I've been feeling like we are more of a Kimmy and Kirk that a couple. My sister may have been right when she said that our relationship is that of good friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend. Which I can't say is all bad. I appreciate that.
But what I don't feel is appreciated...
A lot of the times I feel like instead of being a part of Kirks life I am just a pleasant little perk that comes around every couple of months. It really stinks.
He makes it seem like he's an expert in relationships but I don't feel him really committing to me when I'm away. But don't get me wrong, when I'm around and it's us together it's like us against everybody, and he treats me like I'm the only one in the world. Which is why I get so confused and go back and forth on how he really feels.
If I was somebody else looking at our relationship of course I'd say that he's not that into me, and that he only shows up when it's convenient for him. But being in the relationship I can see deeper into what makes him tick and the complexity of our relationship. Clearly we're not the only ones with this issue but every relationship has it's own set of rules and boundaries.
We've both committed ourselves to each other and each of us take what we say very seriously. He thinks about everything he says so his words have integrity. I've never known him to say something that he doesn't mean or promise something that he is not committed to. And when I told him that I loved him and would never leave him I was fully committing myself to him and I didn't take that lightly.
So I can't just run off and break up with him just because people (aka my sister and my roommate) have given me negative feedback about our relationship.
This is when "working" at the relationship happens and these are the rough times that you commit to making it through so that you build together and get stronger.
Doesn't make them any less intense and the thought of going through things like this doesn't thrill me at all. But I'm willing to do it because I am a woman of integrity who honors what she says and backs it up with actions and I know that he's the same way.
And the fun begins...
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Age in waiting
I am Young
I AM YOUNG!
I keep telling myself that but really, I don't believe it. Truly I am young. I'll be 25 in about 2 months and I have my whole life in front of me...
That's what "they" say. And I am trying to believe them. I haven't quite decided if I actually want to believe them, but I'll try. I'll try to follow the opinion of the majority.
I can blame my "skewed" view of my age vs reality on my family and the fact that they were married so young and started family's before they left their 20's. In my eyes that's normal, completely normal. What is really wrong with that?
Ironically for me I'm with a wonderful and amazing man who thinks that 28 is still young. Which it is. 28 is still young. I guess. At least for other people.
I don't know why waiting for life scares me so much. I want to commit to something in my life and I want it to be relationships first. People close to me always come first and I want to have that settled before I commit to a career or some other life decision. I just want that to be my foundation. I want to consider somebody else before I make a career move in another state. I don't have a problem revolving my life around somebody that I love. I do have a problem revolving my life around a job that I love and sacrificing my relationship.
Does it matter what age we get married? Does it matter what age we have kids? Does it matter what age we begin our career? Does it matter what age we travel the world?
Why do you have to be young or middle aged or old to do any of those things?
What's wrong with me wanting to do it all while I'm young? It's not like I'll run out of things to do.
But if it's KP I'm waiting for, I'll wait for him. I can't guarantee that I'll be patiently waiting...but I'll be waiting.
I AM YOUNG!
I keep telling myself that but really, I don't believe it. Truly I am young. I'll be 25 in about 2 months and I have my whole life in front of me...
That's what "they" say. And I am trying to believe them. I haven't quite decided if I actually want to believe them, but I'll try. I'll try to follow the opinion of the majority.
I can blame my "skewed" view of my age vs reality on my family and the fact that they were married so young and started family's before they left their 20's. In my eyes that's normal, completely normal. What is really wrong with that?
Ironically for me I'm with a wonderful and amazing man who thinks that 28 is still young. Which it is. 28 is still young. I guess. At least for other people.
I don't know why waiting for life scares me so much. I want to commit to something in my life and I want it to be relationships first. People close to me always come first and I want to have that settled before I commit to a career or some other life decision. I just want that to be my foundation. I want to consider somebody else before I make a career move in another state. I don't have a problem revolving my life around somebody that I love. I do have a problem revolving my life around a job that I love and sacrificing my relationship.
Does it matter what age we get married? Does it matter what age we have kids? Does it matter what age we begin our career? Does it matter what age we travel the world?
Why do you have to be young or middle aged or old to do any of those things?
What's wrong with me wanting to do it all while I'm young? It's not like I'll run out of things to do.
But if it's KP I'm waiting for, I'll wait for him. I can't guarantee that I'll be patiently waiting...but I'll be waiting.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Caught with my defenses way down
I'm in such a pissy mood.
I could tell you how awful it is to work where I do and how disrespectful and anal my boss is. I could tell you all of this and you're thought, if not response would be...
I would NEVER allow anyone to treat me like that. I would stand up for myself and say this this and this.
Words always seem stronger when they are directed at nobody.
When in reality when it really comes time to stand up for yourself and be strong, you'll find more often than not that while it's going on, you have no idea until it's over and your regurgitating the story to someone else that you realize "Oh my gosh, that was so awful! I can't believe I let her say that to me and didn't even retaliate!"
Then you form your response for the next time it happens so you'll be ready, but instead of being ready, you're totally unprepared for the next attack because she does it oh so suttly, maybe even disguises it as nice and even sincerely.
Evil people are so smooth. It's not always a violent attack on the ego, or a lashing out of words. That's rare and that's what we prepare for.
How many of us actually prepare for the deep wounding remarks that slide right by our defenses and down into our soul, slowly breaking us down for no one else to see. So that when the straw finally brakes the camels back everyone around us is SHOCKED!
NOBODY saw it coming because nobody on the outside saw the problem!
Well now I look like the crazy sensative little girl who can't handle her little assistant "nanny" job, and can't stand up for herself.
How on EARTH did I end up with this job God? Why? I'm learning a lot but my God did you have to choose the toughest way for me to learn?
I could tell you how awful it is to work where I do and how disrespectful and anal my boss is. I could tell you all of this and you're thought, if not response would be...
I would NEVER allow anyone to treat me like that. I would stand up for myself and say this this and this.
Words always seem stronger when they are directed at nobody.
When in reality when it really comes time to stand up for yourself and be strong, you'll find more often than not that while it's going on, you have no idea until it's over and your regurgitating the story to someone else that you realize "Oh my gosh, that was so awful! I can't believe I let her say that to me and didn't even retaliate!"
Then you form your response for the next time it happens so you'll be ready, but instead of being ready, you're totally unprepared for the next attack because she does it oh so suttly, maybe even disguises it as nice and even sincerely.
Evil people are so smooth. It's not always a violent attack on the ego, or a lashing out of words. That's rare and that's what we prepare for.
How many of us actually prepare for the deep wounding remarks that slide right by our defenses and down into our soul, slowly breaking us down for no one else to see. So that when the straw finally brakes the camels back everyone around us is SHOCKED!
NOBODY saw it coming because nobody on the outside saw the problem!
Well now I look like the crazy sensative little girl who can't handle her little assistant "nanny" job, and can't stand up for herself.
How on EARTH did I end up with this job God? Why? I'm learning a lot but my God did you have to choose the toughest way for me to learn?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
The smile of sadness
Nobody knows me, how can anybody know me better than I do? They can't, they can only see what I let them see. And on top of that they only see what they want to anyway. No matter who I choose to show them they are going to see who they want me to be regardless.
So why bother putting on a show? Why bother putting my best foot forward when most impressions about me are made before even meeting me?
I wish learning not to care wasn't such a hard process, such a long process. If I could choose I would just be a loner, the one who stood out because everybody willingly admitted that they couldn't figure me out. The one who sat alone and became more of a mystery as the days went by. So much of a mystery that all anyone could do was make up stories about the person they want me to be.
Instead I am the girl that everyone figures is exactly what they see. That I am easy to read and practically transparent. When really what you see is so far from what you get. The difference is that everyone like the girl they think I am better than the one I really am.
How many people do you know that when they get down or are having a bad day, people actually get upset with them for feeling that way? Or when they are having a serious issue or bout with minor depression that everyone close to them is impatiently waiting telling them to snap out of it because they can't carry you?
I Kimberly am not allowed to stray far from the smile. The shape of my lips define who I am in your eyes.
So why bother putting on a show? Why bother putting my best foot forward when most impressions about me are made before even meeting me?
I wish learning not to care wasn't such a hard process, such a long process. If I could choose I would just be a loner, the one who stood out because everybody willingly admitted that they couldn't figure me out. The one who sat alone and became more of a mystery as the days went by. So much of a mystery that all anyone could do was make up stories about the person they want me to be.
Instead I am the girl that everyone figures is exactly what they see. That I am easy to read and practically transparent. When really what you see is so far from what you get. The difference is that everyone like the girl they think I am better than the one I really am.
How many people do you know that when they get down or are having a bad day, people actually get upset with them for feeling that way? Or when they are having a serious issue or bout with minor depression that everyone close to them is impatiently waiting telling them to snap out of it because they can't carry you?
I Kimberly am not allowed to stray far from the smile. The shape of my lips define who I am in your eyes.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Respect and becoming uncensored
I'm so exhausted and slowly but surely I'm losing respect for my boss. I don't know how everyone before me did this job for a whole year. I'm beginning to see quitters with a new found respect and a bit of envy.
If I'd ever quit anything I would have dumped this job two months ago. I know I sound like the Bitter Betty friend that you had in high school who seemed to always have something to complain about, but negativity inspires me to write more than anything. The good that happens during the day doesn't compare on paper to the negative that hovers over my head. Ironically I'm a happy person. But who am I trying to convince.
The thing I like most about blogging is that nobody actually sits and reads all of this so I find more of a freedom to say the things I can't write anywhere else. Even my journal. I think the idea that somebody might read it validates my feelings better than when I write in my journal, because my journal is between me and God.
Although God isn't incapable of validating me, it's nice to know some other people who may be struggling right along with me can agree with me over the internet.
I'm really trying to keep a "Christian" attitude about working here but I'm finding it hard to set a boundary and determining when I'm being taken advantage of and when I'm doing things by choice. Or do I even have a choice?
I've always been very easily swayed and I've been very successful and making myself feel like I've made too big of deal out of something. Which I'm finding that I'm doing again. How do I gage when something is wrong and when I am over reacting. I know not everything is my fault, but it would be easier to fix if it was.
One of my biggest problems is that I'm afraid to let out the negative because, again, if I let it out, it's validated and it really exsists. It's probably not the healthiest thing to deny feelings of guilt and anger in hopes that somehow they will go away. But like anything, through time it becomes easier to do the more you do it and the longer you do it for.
My life has been so blessed I really have no business complaining about temorary things such as jobs and pushy, selfish bosses. On paper I'd look like the luckiest girl alive. Where does all this come from? I wouldn't consider myself ungrateful. I'm very aware of my many blessings but I do take them for granted at times.
As many walls as I've broken down to be who I am today, I don't think I'm there yet. I'm not fully who God made me. I want to be her. I'm trying to be here. I want to be secure.
I want to be uncensored.
If I'd ever quit anything I would have dumped this job two months ago. I know I sound like the Bitter Betty friend that you had in high school who seemed to always have something to complain about, but negativity inspires me to write more than anything. The good that happens during the day doesn't compare on paper to the negative that hovers over my head. Ironically I'm a happy person. But who am I trying to convince.
The thing I like most about blogging is that nobody actually sits and reads all of this so I find more of a freedom to say the things I can't write anywhere else. Even my journal. I think the idea that somebody might read it validates my feelings better than when I write in my journal, because my journal is between me and God.
Although God isn't incapable of validating me, it's nice to know some other people who may be struggling right along with me can agree with me over the internet.
I'm really trying to keep a "Christian" attitude about working here but I'm finding it hard to set a boundary and determining when I'm being taken advantage of and when I'm doing things by choice. Or do I even have a choice?
I've always been very easily swayed and I've been very successful and making myself feel like I've made too big of deal out of something. Which I'm finding that I'm doing again. How do I gage when something is wrong and when I am over reacting. I know not everything is my fault, but it would be easier to fix if it was.
One of my biggest problems is that I'm afraid to let out the negative because, again, if I let it out, it's validated and it really exsists. It's probably not the healthiest thing to deny feelings of guilt and anger in hopes that somehow they will go away. But like anything, through time it becomes easier to do the more you do it and the longer you do it for.
My life has been so blessed I really have no business complaining about temorary things such as jobs and pushy, selfish bosses. On paper I'd look like the luckiest girl alive. Where does all this come from? I wouldn't consider myself ungrateful. I'm very aware of my many blessings but I do take them for granted at times.
As many walls as I've broken down to be who I am today, I don't think I'm there yet. I'm not fully who God made me. I want to be her. I'm trying to be here. I want to be secure.
I want to be uncensored.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Home came to me
For the past 10 days 4 of my closest friends from California came to visit me in New York, including KP and his brother. We had a great time but entertaining 4 people in your house for 2 weeks while preparing to go back to work and working at the same time is so overwhelming. Thank God for KP.
One night I was coming home from a day out with the girls after a night until 7am with the boys and I thought I was going to die. I was so exhausted that by the time I got home around 6pm I went into my room laid on the bed and cried.
KP came in the room seeing that I was about to have a mental breakdown and laid with me and helped me calm down. Then he rolled me onto my stomach to give me a much needed massage. I've never felt such a great release in my life! Everytime he pressed I could feel a little bit of anxiety leaving. By the time he was done he'd put me to bed.
I don't know what I'm going to do without him or my old roommate Jeff here. They are such a silent strength. Maybe I'm realizing just how much I'm depending on them. I don't want to do things alone anymore. I don't want to discredit my decision to move here, but I'm reaching the end of my road here and I'm trying to enjoy it.
One night I was coming home from a day out with the girls after a night until 7am with the boys and I thought I was going to die. I was so exhausted that by the time I got home around 6pm I went into my room laid on the bed and cried.
KP came in the room seeing that I was about to have a mental breakdown and laid with me and helped me calm down. Then he rolled me onto my stomach to give me a much needed massage. I've never felt such a great release in my life! Everytime he pressed I could feel a little bit of anxiety leaving. By the time he was done he'd put me to bed.
I don't know what I'm going to do without him or my old roommate Jeff here. They are such a silent strength. Maybe I'm realizing just how much I'm depending on them. I don't want to do things alone anymore. I don't want to discredit my decision to move here, but I'm reaching the end of my road here and I'm trying to enjoy it.
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