Shrinking Evil

Am I evil? Am I incredibly evil? No. The other day my sister asked/told me that I should start a blog because it's so easy and I love to write. True, all of that is true. What I didn't do was tell her that I've already started one. And that I sporatically keep it up.

Thing is. Nobody knows the kimmy that writes is here. This here is not "public kimmy." This is private kimmy, the one that nobody knows exists. People on the outside don't know that I actually have a brain and I'm not eager to share it. There are already too many expectations for me that I can't reach and if they knew that I had actual thoughts and life crisis' it would make me just like them. That's not what the world needs, they need me to be creative, artsy and happy.

What "they" don't know is that I'm stuggling big time out here. I'm facing my biggest fear of having moved to New York in the first place. Not making it. I did fine the first two years and I am finally feeling the financial tug of this city and it's YANKING on me down.

I just worked out my budget and to put it simply...I won't be eating next week. I wish I was joking. With my monthly expenses, and my new boss having cancelled on me more days in the last two weeks than I've worked...I don't know.

I've never lost weight before because I couldn't afford food. I usually have to work out like I have a disorder to see any significant body changes. Although the compliments have been nice lately, give it another week and I'm afraid these compliments are going to turn into wispers in passing about how thin kj is getting. And I'll look like all those sick girls in Soho who I used to hate on because I never had the will power to refuse food to the extent that they did.

Is it weird to envy that?

I now long for the days where a $5 footlong from Subway and a Starbucks cookie was affordable and the only thing I'd eat all day. Now I spend a maximum of $20 a week on food. Survival food. Brown rice, frozen spinach, broccoli, and peas, apples maybe a specialty item, maybe meat, and cereal. Spending $5 in one place now is just plain reckless.

I don't need people's sympathy, worry or money. I need a...dare I say it...(It's funny I actually don't want to say it)...but I need...

a REAL job =/