Scared and motivated mediocrity

I'm scared.

Scared of everything. Scared of my dreams and how big they are. When my mind starts on it's journey I never stop at mediocraty. My dreams reach beyond anything I've ever been taught possible.

I'm finally in the beginning stages of "chasing" my dream and while I haven't gone anywhere in this race, I'm already "paralyzed with fear," as an 8 year old boy said to me half way up the rock wall.

I've been discouraged so much internally from singing that I feel that if I do it then I HAVE to succeed! Failure is not an option, which unfortunately makes it that much more nerve racking. I'm afraid to prove THEM right and I'm afraid to prove myself wrong. And the reason I'm afraid right at this very moment is because I already feel the shame of failure because I haven't even stepped on the track.

So it's a dilema of motion. If I don't fight for the life I want, then I'll be living a life that just happened to me. If I fight for the life I want and fail, whether they say it to me, think it in their minds, or tell somebody else, they will always feel like they were right and I should have taken their advice and not wasted so much time. Played it safe...

Life doesn't want me to play it safe. Life won't even let me get a normal job INTERVIEW! Let alone a safe and stable job.

At the same time I don't actually know how to take risks. I don't know what it means to calculate a risk. I'm scared of risk. For heaven sakes it took me an entire year and four months to allow KP to be my boyfriend! Even though I knew I loved him and God Himself had told me that he was the one...

But isn't it totally crappy to live in the middle? My dreams are lightyears beyond mediocrity, yet my life does all of nothing to reflect that. I live through words. Talking and writing and talking about what my life will be like "someday."

Without doing anything I have become my own biggest disappointment. I hope and pray that someday this mediocrity will motivate me.