A big piece of me and a little piece of my heart are staying here

I don't know if I was ready, I might be ready but I'm not. Yes, I am as confused as it sounds.

I planned to work for the O'Briens this summer in Martha's Vineyard as their full time nanny. I know, I know the last time I was a full time nanny I wanted to severly hurt their mother. (Is that safe to post on the World Wide Web?) Well she treated me like I was the scum of the earth, and I'm not Godly enough to feel any other way. I digress...I love this family they are incredible and I know this summer will be well worth it.

Anyway, my plan was/is to live in New York until the end of June, go with them to Martha's Vineyard, then move home after that. I'd move out of the Broadway hotel in June and ship all my stuff home before then so that when I left for the Vineyard I'd be moved out for good. It's a good plan. And it seemed like a REALLY long time away.

That is until this evening after work I checked my e-mail and I opened an e-mail from my new mother boss with my flight confirmation out to the vineyard for the summer on June 28th, the day after my last class at The Little Gym.

Woah.

It's real.

All of a sudden this summer is really soon and me moving back to California is SO close and before I know it I have no time left here and I'm getting really emotional.

I knew that when I left New York I'd be really sad. A big part of "me" happened while living here. I'm not a completely new person, but I'm such a better person, who has been through so much change and so many obstacles and is now a woman. A big piece of KJ will be here for ever. I owe this city a lot for what it has allowed me to become.

I'm not the same person in California that I am out here. A different lifestyle calls for a different part of me. Both good parts, just different. I'm going to miss this one.

I'm going to miss my life, I'm going to miss Muna. It makes me sad to be leaving her here, especially because everyone has left New York, not just me. Jeff, Daynelle, Alicia, her cousin, and her sister. I think it's getting to her. But maybe it'll be good for her. Maybe it'll be good for both of us.

I am eating regularly now, so at least I don't feel like I HAD to leave the city. Still I don't look forward to telling people about it. I know most people will give me the fake sad face that you're suppose to give people when they tell you that they are leaving and probably won't ever see them again. And there will be a few who may genuinely be sad to see me go, but not very many I'm sure of it. And there will be even less who actually keep in touch, probably only Muna and Famous.

But that's ok, I won't keep in touch with them either. Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime.

Still...receiving my flight confirmation today...took a little piece of my heart. But I can't lose myself in a frown. I was talking to my dad recently and I was telling him that I thought it was time to move home because, although I've made it in New York I'm not doing what I want with my life. My dream was never to be a Nanny, and it was never to be a Gymnastics Instructor or Birthday Party Coordinator, I want to sing and if nothing else I want to be a Mom . Then he told me that time CAN go by and you do nothing about it. Sometimes A lot of time will go by and people will do Nothing with it because they are continuing to live how they are living, and not move forward...You have to pursue life, it won't just happen for you. He's right. Thanks Daddy.

I'll be seeing you sooner.