Painful Patience

I know I have a lot to work on. I know I don't have patience and the world makes me feel so justified. I should be able to get what I want and I should do whatever it takes to get it now. It's not often that anyone or anything tells you that if you want something you have to be able to wait for it. I struggle daily, hourly with not knowing how long I will have to wait. Or how long is too long, or if their is even a limit. 

KP and I have been officially together for 6 1/2 years. Although I've known for almost 8 years that he is the one God planned for me to be with as I heard loud and clear one night, twice. 

I had the patience to wait to get married for about 2 years. Maybe 3 just to give me the benefit of the doubt. But day after day it's gets increasingly painful to be patient. Especially with people telling me at every turn that they would have left him by now. 

From years 3-5 I went from being ok waiting, since we were long distance for 3 years, to gradually becoming more upset by the idea of celebrating anniversary after anniversary still unmarried. 

By year 5 I'd become full blown upset. But semi secretly because i didn't want people to think I was weak. I didn't want people to give me that pitty face, or ask me why I was with him. No one ever asks why you're with someone before they ask why aren't you married?  They always seem to imply that you're wasting you're time or there's something terribly wrong.  But the fact is I never had the answer to any of their "when aren't you getting married" questions and it drove me bananas.  Because that was a question I terribly wanted the answer to as well. 

As we neared year 6 things were looking promising and I could just feel a ring coming. We'd talked about marriage, made plans and I was on cloud 9 and confident that my life was finally headed down the road I'd always wanted. But I never in a million years, or a billion years could have predicted what was about to happen next.  

Long story short.  It just so happened that KP had been sick. In a number of ways. Physically and mentally. To the point where he could have literally died at any point. 

Now this is the point when I lose all sense of...well sense. I had every emotion I'd ever felt, times about a million.  Plus feelings I'd never known existed.  I was a wreck for a solid 9 months. 

I felt like my whole future was shattered. After waiting 5+ years for the man of my dreams I came this close to losing him. 

Maybe that's why I became even more frantic to get married at year 6. Almost losing the love of my life, turning 30, and still not being married really screwed with my head. 

And let me be real. I'm still trying to figure things out in this head space. I'm not writing this because I came up with a solution in how to be patient or how I found the perfect quote to make me feel grateful for everything I do have in life, and the secret to contentment. 

I'm just writing this to put it out in the world so that someone who has gone through or is going through something similar can feel ok. At the very least can know they're not alone. And know that you're not always wasting your time in a relationship just because it confuses everyone else.  

I'm probably writing this selfishly.  I'm writing it to try justify my feelings, to help me try to work things out. Maybe seeing it and organizing my thoughts will get me to a point of understanding. 

My relationship may not be normal and I don't understand quite yet what God is doing, but I'm gonna try my best to let Him do it. 

I can't promise to patiently wait but I can promise that I will try to reflect more often and get to small windows of calmness about my future. 

I don't know what God has planned for me but I'm sure glad that He has a plan. 

More than likely won't kill me

God will never give you more than you can handle.

Thats what "they" say.

Well frankly I don't believe it.

As I spend nights in the fetal position balling my eyes out trying to distract myself from the torturous thoughts going on in my mind and replaying terrible conversations, attempting to fight back my random outbursts, unnecessary fights and complete and utter breakdowns, I find it very hard to believe that any of that represents ANY version of "handling" it.

Will I live through this? Yes.

More than likely it won't kill me.

Is it more than I can handle?  Yes. ABSOLUTELY.

I am not that strong.

(I'm also slightly dramatic...)

I've been in depressing situations before.  I worked for the Devil Wears Prada back in my New York days and thought I'd never be the same after that experience.  Yet somehow the human psyche is resilient and I made it back to myself.

This time, with the same feeling of helplessness, I feel like I just need a few days to myself to cry.

Now don't get me wrong I don't think God threw me under the bus or anything.  I just feel like maybe that saying is a little off.

Like maybe...

God will never give you more than HE can handle.

Because I can't handle much of anything.  But WITH God...well we all know my stance on that one.

With God (the internet...and lately lots of coffee) ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Blindsided Into Your Recovery

My life is a mess.

I tried unsuccessfully to ignore all of the ongoing issues and stay busy.  Except now it's physically making me sick, and every single day off I've had since November I've been in tears at some point during the day.  And even now on days that I don't have off.

I wonder what happened to that happy girl?

I had the innocence and joy of a child, but something has taken that all away and I have no idea where to go or what to do to get it back.

I don't want to admit that adults just can't be that happy.  After a while I guess we all get jaded by life. Maybe one heart really can't stand all the pain that life has divided amongst us.  Maybe we're all bound to being life size robots, and there's nothing we can do about the joy stealers of the world.

You know, someone very close to me is going through drug addiction recovery, just got diagnosed with anxiety, depression, already had insomnia, and a raging ulcer, and he's getting all kinds of help from doctors, counselors, etc...but what about this sad little girl.

I'm not the one with the problem so therefore there's nobody left to be there for me.

Unfortunately I've also been burdened with keeping this a secret from everyone that I know as well, so I'm limited to the amount of people that I can talk to.  Limited meaning I have 1 person to talk to which is my recovering, depressed friend who can barely handle his own recovery, let alone mine.

Therefore I end up feeling selfish when I have breakdowns in front of him, and guilty because I'm making things so much harder for him that they should be, and I don't want to be the reason that he fails in recovery.  So I'm scared every time I say something.  I watch everything I say because I don't want to make him mad.

I feel like my happiness depends on his recovery and I helplessly stand by hoping, and praying that he's getting better because I don't know how long I can hang on while I watch him take baby steps towards a normal life.  Trying to trust someone with both of your lives is terrifying and painful.

I feel like I'm trapped in his recovery.  It's a terrible place to be.

I never saw any of this coming.

Total Blindside.

If you really knew me, you'd be glad you were you.

If you really knew me then you'd know that my life isn't always what it seems.

You see me with a beautiful man, having amazing adventures and living a carefree life.

You don't know that my relationship although special, requires more patience and understanding than I have inside of me and it tears me up inside when I'm put on the back burner in place of his work.

If you really knew me then you'd know that being in a long distance relationship brought me to tears many nights with nobody to talk to and nobody who understood what I was going through, and the best advice anyone could give me was to just break up with him. And that I had to fight a battle with my friends and family who didn't understand why I would spend my time nurturing a relationship that brought so much pain.

If you really knew me then you'd know how hard it is for me to maintain a good girl image, because I've been labeled that for so long that I don't know how to make people see that I'm different now. I've made more mistakes than they have, and I have a hard time living up to my own expectations. And because people continue to believe I can do no evil, I feel like a liar and a hypocrite.

If you really knew me you'd know that I'd rather be home than 3000 miles away from my family working so I have money. I'm not out here because I want to live a rich life, in an amazing house, using someone else's credit card. I'm here because I have no other source of income and I need this money to survive and that I'm here as a last resort rather than first choice. And being away from KP and my family rips my heart to pieces.

If you really knew me you'd know that if I get fat I'll lose everyone close to me because my family shuns me and my boyfriend would be disgusted by me. So I am conditioned to stay "fit" under all circumstances.

If you really knew me you'd know that my family has discouraged me from following my dreams ever since I was a little girl and I've been criticized to tears as an adult for pursuing them. And to this day I'm still not fully supported.

If you really knew me you'd know that I've grown up being compared to my sister and punished for her mistakes and never been given the freedom to prove that I was different.

If you really knew me you'd know that you really don't want my life. I've had to work harder than you can imagine and dealt with more pain with a smile on my face just so I don't bring anybody else down. You'd know that It's hard to be me.

If you really knew me, you'd be glad you were you.

Not today it'll all make sense

Again. I am on a job hunt. One of my most hated life situations, right next to finding a roommate on short notice. Or on any notice for that matter. It's just a frusterating experience all together.

Not frusterating if you are my sister, who with no job experience could land herself a job as CEO because she has that "it" that "thing" that they all look for. She has that "whatever it is" syndrome. Why I couldn't have grabbed some of that out of the gene pool too will forever be a mystery.

I got the happy spunky love for life gene, and left all of the leftover essentials for mom and dad's unborn 4th child.

Me not being able to get a job is my fault though. I mean the whole reason I chose my major in college is because I wanted to LEARN how to do something new. Not because I wanted a career doing it. In my mind, choosing a major in college was to choose something you wanted to learn how to do really well. I don't know that I ever really wanted a job in Fashion. But guess what?

I HAVE A DEGREE THAT SAYS I DO!

So how do I explain that lapse of logical thinking to an employer. Because clearly I don't have attention to detail seeing as I went through my last 2 1/2 years of college studying what I wanted to be my HOBBY!

And obviously I can't multi-task because I could have easily declared a double major or even a minor in Music, Journalism, or Creative Writing.

I'm not a go getter or pro-active because the main reason I didn't declare another major or minor is because I was too lazy and didn't know how to go about doing it. So I didn't.

How do I put all of that on a resume? That would be the best looking resume ever.

KJ Barnes

phone number

Address/email

Education: Well see I have an explaination for that...

I don't think I'd be able to explain myself away in the job interview either. "Uh Well. I just wanted to challenge myself and try something new." Aka...I didn't really understand the purpose of going to college...whoopsy.

Now what jobs am I applying for? You got it. Not singing, not writing, Fitness.

Someday it'll all make sense.

A Sabatoged Moment in Time

You know those very rare things in your life that you actually prepare for? Those big moments that you've been planning on for sometime, rehearsed, ironed out the details, gone through the what if's and how you can prevent them or glide throught them. The anticipation that happens in the days and moments before this happening and you are filled with pure excitement, mainly because you've been preparing for this moment, and you know it's going to go perfectly.

My moment didn't go perfectly. I'll do my best to explain so that you can attempt to understand the heartache I'm going through right now.

There is this venue in Manhattan, The Village Underground, that has one of the most well known open mic nights ever. People have been discovered there and more prominent people come to listen in.

Needless to say it was a BIG deal for me to get up the courage to decide that I was ready to sing there. Months and months to be exact. I finally picked a song to sing, spend hours and days learning it, breathing it, listening to variations of it, making it my own, so that when I performed it I would be able to take everyone by surprise. Or at the very least not forget the words and freeze up on stage.

I had my 3 roommates come with me, and 2 friends meet me there, and had another friend sign up to sing along with me. (Signing my name on the list took me a good 20 minutes and a threat from the MC that the list was closing.) I needed support, and encouragement.

But at least now, I was confident in my song choice and knew that when it was my turn I was ready to tear it up. Make it my last goodbye, my fairwell to New York. Something that signified that I had done it in New York, and I would finally get to sing.

My moment was so close and I was more than ready for it. Even with a little nerves.

After waiting hour after hour after hour, I was one of the last 2 of the night to perform. There had been many go before me, but I knew I was good enough to hang with them. I knew in my heart I would give them a run for their money.

So my name finally gets called to take the stage after 3 hours of patiently waiting and clapping for everyone else. They have an amateur pianist with the band and I tell him my song. Long Distance by Brandy.

He doesn't know it...

So they call over the professional pianist.

He doesn't know it either...

I want to cry.

They ask me if I know any other songs. And of course I do. So I think for 10 short seconds and say how about Natural Woman? Everyone knows this song. So I thought.

The amateur pianist stays on.

He starts playing something that sounds like jibberish to my now nervous ears. I'm waiting for the "duh duh duh do do" to play so that I can start singing. But it never happens. I'm standing up there, still. Eyes in a blank stare out into the 2nd level of the dark audience, attempting to smile, but getting increasingly akward as I try to figure out when to jump in and start the song. I step up to the mic and hear someone yell "What are you singing!!!"

I wanted to yell back "I'm not sure! I can't figure out what he's playing!"

I step back from the mic and try to signal to the guy something like "What the hell are you playing?!"

But end up mouthing "When do I start?" And shrugging my shoulders.

The professional guy tells me to start and keeps motioning for me to begin the song, but I have yet to hear a familiar note. So I stand there trying to figure out where to begin for at least another minute, which may as well have been eternity.

Finally I start.

I'm a little off beat, I rush, I slow down, I still can't figure out what the bank is playing. I hit the high note, whoopie, and am lost in the beat again. The background singers decide they know the song at the chorus and pitch in, nearly drowning my vocals out, but at least someone knows the song. I forget the words during the second verse and by the second chorus I'm ready to cry.

I finish the 2nd chorus and begin my ad libs totally out of rythmn with the band and finally just give up. I tilt the microphone up on the stand and push it down. I waved thanks to the guitarist, bass player, and shake the pianists hand and say thank you. All while holding back rage. For one not knowing the song I'd been preparing for months to do now, and two for messing up the most COMMON song in the world.

I felt like the biggest idiot who'd ever stepped foot on the stage and felt like I really didn't belong. I've been waiting for the day I'd get to sing at the Village Underground and perform something for everyone. And when I finally get my chance I was sabatoged by an amateur pianist.

I'm hoping I learn a lesson for the future. To always have a back up song that's just as good as the primary song, and never put all of your excitement eggs in one basket. Because someone will knock you over and you'll be left to pick up all those eggs alone and no one else will understand how long it's taken you to get them all in one place.

This happened for a reason, this happened for a reason.

Expecting your Expectations

I'm moving.

Really.

This time I'm finally doing it. I've shipped a box of stuff home, given my 30 day notice to my landlord, planned a going away party. And tomorrow what I'm dreading the most...giving my 2 weeks notice at work. Not because I'm THAT sad to leave, but I always feel like quitting a job is like a personal attack on the company. Although that's not how I intend it, that's how I feel it comes off.

I've been having to tell people that I'm moving and why. Why California? Why now? Will I miss it? Am I glad to be leaving?

Yes, Yes, YES, YES

I am ready to move on and it's time.

I've been giving all of these cliche answers to all their questions and sometimes I'm not sure how I really feel. Of course I'm ready to go and I feel like it's the right thing to do. I think I just get a little bogged down with the idea that yet again I'm making another life changing decision and move.

In the last 3 years since college I've had a life changing fire, a life changing move, a life changing relationship, a life changing job, and another life changing job and move. All in a major way. So it's kind of overwhelming when life just keeps happening too you. These are times when I know that it's not me who's in control, but God. Because all of this couldn't have just happened by chance.

But as I was saying, I've had a lot of "life changing" experiences in the past couple of years and it's quite a bit to swallow when you're just trying to live a normal life and get by. So the severity of it all get's to me from time to time and I wonder if my world will ever settle down. If I'll ever get that calm job, with a steady boyfriend and boring dinner dates, with predictable anything. I never know where my life is going and sometimes I wish I did.

I tend to have a plan that lends itself a couple months out, but anything long term is lost in the "what if" confusion. I don't need boredom I just need stability.

I think that's what I'm looking for California to mean to me. It represents home, a place that was always there for me, that I can rely on and relax in. Whether that's how it will be when I get there is up for debate, but there's no arguing that's what it looks like in my mind.

I'm wondering what emotion I'm trying to sort out with this blog, but I can't quite dig far enough to figure it out. Something is still pressing my heart and I can't tell you what it is because my brain is working to hard.

Well...Here's to expecting your expectations.