Expecting your Expectations

I'm moving.

Really.

This time I'm finally doing it. I've shipped a box of stuff home, given my 30 day notice to my landlord, planned a going away party. And tomorrow what I'm dreading the most...giving my 2 weeks notice at work. Not because I'm THAT sad to leave, but I always feel like quitting a job is like a personal attack on the company. Although that's not how I intend it, that's how I feel it comes off.

I've been having to tell people that I'm moving and why. Why California? Why now? Will I miss it? Am I glad to be leaving?

Yes, Yes, YES, YES

I am ready to move on and it's time.

I've been giving all of these cliche answers to all their questions and sometimes I'm not sure how I really feel. Of course I'm ready to go and I feel like it's the right thing to do. I think I just get a little bogged down with the idea that yet again I'm making another life changing decision and move.

In the last 3 years since college I've had a life changing fire, a life changing move, a life changing relationship, a life changing job, and another life changing job and move. All in a major way. So it's kind of overwhelming when life just keeps happening too you. These are times when I know that it's not me who's in control, but God. Because all of this couldn't have just happened by chance.

But as I was saying, I've had a lot of "life changing" experiences in the past couple of years and it's quite a bit to swallow when you're just trying to live a normal life and get by. So the severity of it all get's to me from time to time and I wonder if my world will ever settle down. If I'll ever get that calm job, with a steady boyfriend and boring dinner dates, with predictable anything. I never know where my life is going and sometimes I wish I did.

I tend to have a plan that lends itself a couple months out, but anything long term is lost in the "what if" confusion. I don't need boredom I just need stability.

I think that's what I'm looking for California to mean to me. It represents home, a place that was always there for me, that I can rely on and relax in. Whether that's how it will be when I get there is up for debate, but there's no arguing that's what it looks like in my mind.

I'm wondering what emotion I'm trying to sort out with this blog, but I can't quite dig far enough to figure it out. Something is still pressing my heart and I can't tell you what it is because my brain is working to hard.

Well...Here's to expecting your expectations.