Let me introduce you to winter for the rest of your life

Lately I feel more lost than usual.

Spiritually, emotionally, physically, career wise...I've never actually had it together, but now I am well aware that I really have nothing together. So if you must continue to read, just know that this is just a pity party.

I'm frusterated that I am so useless is the job market. On paper I have no worth. None of the jobs I've had in the past 11 years of working have any value in the market place and my resume fails to land me any respectable jobs. It's not because I have a bad resume, on the contrary, I've had my multiple people look over it and critique it. Even my sister who has worked in HR and recruting for 10 years, it's been reformatted, reworded and sent all over the place to no avail.

I know that I can do any job, I'm more than capable to get any type of work done. I'm smart! I really am hardworking, good multi tasker, gets the job done with no complaining, well maybe sometimes...I didn't lie on my cover letter just to fit the buzz words in! But how do I fit it into the paragraph that I'm dazzling in person, but the paper Kimmy really sucks?

Another thing knocking on my brain is that I really want to sing and ultimately want that to be my career. But I don't know the timing of that. Although I am working on a demo, I don't know how long it will take until I can seriously depend on that as an income. So should I even stress over not being able to get a "real" job, and focus totally on the singing? I'm just tired of having dead end jobs. Or more accurately, jobs that I don't want to grow with.

With all my free time lately I've also discovered that this relationship that I thought I had with God is in shambles. It's been slowly revealed to me how much time I don't spend growing with the Lord, and acknowledging His exsistence in my life. On top of it I'm reading this book about Brother Lawerence, the happiest monk that ever lived, who totally 100% gave his life to the Lord and how fullfilling of a life he lived. I try to argue that he lived in a different time (1600's) but I've always been an advocate of "everyone deals with the same problems no matter when they lived or where they grew up." Therefore my argument in completely invalid. I could have that life, but apparently I choose not too, and instead think that I can do a better job with my life than God can.

This post itself proves that I'm doing a pretty lame job keeping this thing called "my life" together.

I haven't worked out in weeks, maybe a month, maybe more. But it's not really an issue because I can't afford to eat very much so I'm inconspicuously not fitting into my tight jeans anymore because they are getting too big and my rings are sliding off of my fingers. Oh I wish I had this problem in college!

I could complain about wanting to go home, but I'm over that fight. It's clear to me that I'm not done here in NYC and God must have something planned for me out here that California can't do for me. I think He's waiting for me to give Him some attention, ever since I moved here it's been all about me and My Life, My Job, My Relationship, My Apartment...I haven't totally let him be here with me. What a useless way to live.

Anyhow, I know this is a season that must happen in life. It's winter and I have to go through this mayhem to take joy from the spring. yada yada yada...it never get's easier. I never get used to it. I never remember what it was like before. And I never know how to get out of it.

Kimmy let me introduce me to yourself next year. Because trust me you will meet her again and again for the next winter for the rest of your life, and you'll want to get to know her.