I'm scared.
Scared of everything. Scared of my dreams and how big they are. When my mind starts on it's journey I never stop at mediocraty. My dreams reach beyond anything I've ever been taught possible.
I'm finally in the beginning stages of "chasing" my dream and while I haven't gone anywhere in this race, I'm already "paralyzed with fear," as an 8 year old boy said to me half way up the rock wall.
I've been discouraged so much internally from singing that I feel that if I do it then I HAVE to succeed! Failure is not an option, which unfortunately makes it that much more nerve racking. I'm afraid to prove THEM right and I'm afraid to prove myself wrong. And the reason I'm afraid right at this very moment is because I already feel the shame of failure because I haven't even stepped on the track.
So it's a dilema of motion. If I don't fight for the life I want, then I'll be living a life that just happened to me. If I fight for the life I want and fail, whether they say it to me, think it in their minds, or tell somebody else, they will always feel like they were right and I should have taken their advice and not wasted so much time. Played it safe...
Life doesn't want me to play it safe. Life won't even let me get a normal job INTERVIEW! Let alone a safe and stable job.
At the same time I don't actually know how to take risks. I don't know what it means to calculate a risk. I'm scared of risk. For heaven sakes it took me an entire year and four months to allow KP to be my boyfriend! Even though I knew I loved him and God Himself had told me that he was the one...
But isn't it totally crappy to live in the middle? My dreams are lightyears beyond mediocrity, yet my life does all of nothing to reflect that. I live through words. Talking and writing and talking about what my life will be like "someday."
Without doing anything I have become my own biggest disappointment. I hope and pray that someday this mediocrity will motivate me.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Shrinking Evil
Am I evil? Am I incredibly evil? No. The other day my sister asked/told me that I should start a blog because it's so easy and I love to write. True, all of that is true. What I didn't do was tell her that I've already started one. And that I sporatically keep it up.
Thing is. Nobody knows the kimmy that writes is here. This here is not "public kimmy." This is private kimmy, the one that nobody knows exists. People on the outside don't know that I actually have a brain and I'm not eager to share it. There are already too many expectations for me that I can't reach and if they knew that I had actual thoughts and life crisis' it would make me just like them. That's not what the world needs, they need me to be creative, artsy and happy.
What "they" don't know is that I'm stuggling big time out here. I'm facing my biggest fear of having moved to New York in the first place. Not making it. I did fine the first two years and I am finally feeling the financial tug of this city and it's YANKING on me down.
I just worked out my budget and to put it simply...I won't be eating next week. I wish I was joking. With my monthly expenses, and my new boss having cancelled on me more days in the last two weeks than I've worked...I don't know.
I've never lost weight before because I couldn't afford food. I usually have to work out like I have a disorder to see any significant body changes. Although the compliments have been nice lately, give it another week and I'm afraid these compliments are going to turn into wispers in passing about how thin kj is getting. And I'll look like all those sick girls in Soho who I used to hate on because I never had the will power to refuse food to the extent that they did.
Is it weird to envy that?
I now long for the days where a $5 footlong from Subway and a Starbucks cookie was affordable and the only thing I'd eat all day. Now I spend a maximum of $20 a week on food. Survival food. Brown rice, frozen spinach, broccoli, and peas, apples maybe a specialty item, maybe meat, and cereal. Spending $5 in one place now is just plain reckless.
I don't need people's sympathy, worry or money. I need a...dare I say it...(It's funny I actually don't want to say it)...but I need...
a REAL job =/
Thing is. Nobody knows the kimmy that writes is here. This here is not "public kimmy." This is private kimmy, the one that nobody knows exists. People on the outside don't know that I actually have a brain and I'm not eager to share it. There are already too many expectations for me that I can't reach and if they knew that I had actual thoughts and life crisis' it would make me just like them. That's not what the world needs, they need me to be creative, artsy and happy.
What "they" don't know is that I'm stuggling big time out here. I'm facing my biggest fear of having moved to New York in the first place. Not making it. I did fine the first two years and I am finally feeling the financial tug of this city and it's YANKING on me down.
I just worked out my budget and to put it simply...I won't be eating next week. I wish I was joking. With my monthly expenses, and my new boss having cancelled on me more days in the last two weeks than I've worked...I don't know.
I've never lost weight before because I couldn't afford food. I usually have to work out like I have a disorder to see any significant body changes. Although the compliments have been nice lately, give it another week and I'm afraid these compliments are going to turn into wispers in passing about how thin kj is getting. And I'll look like all those sick girls in Soho who I used to hate on because I never had the will power to refuse food to the extent that they did.
Is it weird to envy that?
I now long for the days where a $5 footlong from Subway and a Starbucks cookie was affordable and the only thing I'd eat all day. Now I spend a maximum of $20 a week on food. Survival food. Brown rice, frozen spinach, broccoli, and peas, apples maybe a specialty item, maybe meat, and cereal. Spending $5 in one place now is just plain reckless.
I don't need people's sympathy, worry or money. I need a...dare I say it...(It's funny I actually don't want to say it)...but I need...
a REAL job =/
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Let me introduce you to winter for the rest of your life
Lately I feel more lost than usual.
Spiritually, emotionally, physically, career wise...I've never actually had it together, but now I am well aware that I really have nothing together. So if you must continue to read, just know that this is just a pity party.
I'm frusterated that I am so useless is the job market. On paper I have no worth. None of the jobs I've had in the past 11 years of working have any value in the market place and my resume fails to land me any respectable jobs. It's not because I have a bad resume, on the contrary, I've had my multiple people look over it and critique it. Even my sister who has worked in HR and recruting for 10 years, it's been reformatted, reworded and sent all over the place to no avail.
I know that I can do any job, I'm more than capable to get any type of work done. I'm smart! I really am hardworking, good multi tasker, gets the job done with no complaining, well maybe sometimes...I didn't lie on my cover letter just to fit the buzz words in! But how do I fit it into the paragraph that I'm dazzling in person, but the paper Kimmy really sucks?
Another thing knocking on my brain is that I really want to sing and ultimately want that to be my career. But I don't know the timing of that. Although I am working on a demo, I don't know how long it will take until I can seriously depend on that as an income. So should I even stress over not being able to get a "real" job, and focus totally on the singing? I'm just tired of having dead end jobs. Or more accurately, jobs that I don't want to grow with.
With all my free time lately I've also discovered that this relationship that I thought I had with God is in shambles. It's been slowly revealed to me how much time I don't spend growing with the Lord, and acknowledging His exsistence in my life. On top of it I'm reading this book about Brother Lawerence, the happiest monk that ever lived, who totally 100% gave his life to the Lord and how fullfilling of a life he lived. I try to argue that he lived in a different time (1600's) but I've always been an advocate of "everyone deals with the same problems no matter when they lived or where they grew up." Therefore my argument in completely invalid. I could have that life, but apparently I choose not too, and instead think that I can do a better job with my life than God can.
This post itself proves that I'm doing a pretty lame job keeping this thing called "my life" together.
I haven't worked out in weeks, maybe a month, maybe more. But it's not really an issue because I can't afford to eat very much so I'm inconspicuously not fitting into my tight jeans anymore because they are getting too big and my rings are sliding off of my fingers. Oh I wish I had this problem in college!
I could complain about wanting to go home, but I'm over that fight. It's clear to me that I'm not done here in NYC and God must have something planned for me out here that California can't do for me. I think He's waiting for me to give Him some attention, ever since I moved here it's been all about me and My Life, My Job, My Relationship, My Apartment...I haven't totally let him be here with me. What a useless way to live.
Anyhow, I know this is a season that must happen in life. It's winter and I have to go through this mayhem to take joy from the spring. yada yada yada...it never get's easier. I never get used to it. I never remember what it was like before. And I never know how to get out of it.
Kimmy let me introduce me to yourself next year. Because trust me you will meet her again and again for the next winter for the rest of your life, and you'll want to get to know her.
Spiritually, emotionally, physically, career wise...I've never actually had it together, but now I am well aware that I really have nothing together. So if you must continue to read, just know that this is just a pity party.
I'm frusterated that I am so useless is the job market. On paper I have no worth. None of the jobs I've had in the past 11 years of working have any value in the market place and my resume fails to land me any respectable jobs. It's not because I have a bad resume, on the contrary, I've had my multiple people look over it and critique it. Even my sister who has worked in HR and recruting for 10 years, it's been reformatted, reworded and sent all over the place to no avail.
I know that I can do any job, I'm more than capable to get any type of work done. I'm smart! I really am hardworking, good multi tasker, gets the job done with no complaining, well maybe sometimes...I didn't lie on my cover letter just to fit the buzz words in! But how do I fit it into the paragraph that I'm dazzling in person, but the paper Kimmy really sucks?
Another thing knocking on my brain is that I really want to sing and ultimately want that to be my career. But I don't know the timing of that. Although I am working on a demo, I don't know how long it will take until I can seriously depend on that as an income. So should I even stress over not being able to get a "real" job, and focus totally on the singing? I'm just tired of having dead end jobs. Or more accurately, jobs that I don't want to grow with.
With all my free time lately I've also discovered that this relationship that I thought I had with God is in shambles. It's been slowly revealed to me how much time I don't spend growing with the Lord, and acknowledging His exsistence in my life. On top of it I'm reading this book about Brother Lawerence, the happiest monk that ever lived, who totally 100% gave his life to the Lord and how fullfilling of a life he lived. I try to argue that he lived in a different time (1600's) but I've always been an advocate of "everyone deals with the same problems no matter when they lived or where they grew up." Therefore my argument in completely invalid. I could have that life, but apparently I choose not too, and instead think that I can do a better job with my life than God can.
This post itself proves that I'm doing a pretty lame job keeping this thing called "my life" together.
I haven't worked out in weeks, maybe a month, maybe more. But it's not really an issue because I can't afford to eat very much so I'm inconspicuously not fitting into my tight jeans anymore because they are getting too big and my rings are sliding off of my fingers. Oh I wish I had this problem in college!
I could complain about wanting to go home, but I'm over that fight. It's clear to me that I'm not done here in NYC and God must have something planned for me out here that California can't do for me. I think He's waiting for me to give Him some attention, ever since I moved here it's been all about me and My Life, My Job, My Relationship, My Apartment...I haven't totally let him be here with me. What a useless way to live.
Anyhow, I know this is a season that must happen in life. It's winter and I have to go through this mayhem to take joy from the spring. yada yada yada...it never get's easier. I never get used to it. I never remember what it was like before. And I never know how to get out of it.
Kimmy let me introduce me to yourself next year. Because trust me you will meet her again and again for the next winter for the rest of your life, and you'll want to get to know her.
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