Not today it'll all make sense

Again. I am on a job hunt. One of my most hated life situations, right next to finding a roommate on short notice. Or on any notice for that matter. It's just a frusterating experience all together.

Not frusterating if you are my sister, who with no job experience could land herself a job as CEO because she has that "it" that "thing" that they all look for. She has that "whatever it is" syndrome. Why I couldn't have grabbed some of that out of the gene pool too will forever be a mystery.

I got the happy spunky love for life gene, and left all of the leftover essentials for mom and dad's unborn 4th child.

Me not being able to get a job is my fault though. I mean the whole reason I chose my major in college is because I wanted to LEARN how to do something new. Not because I wanted a career doing it. In my mind, choosing a major in college was to choose something you wanted to learn how to do really well. I don't know that I ever really wanted a job in Fashion. But guess what?

I HAVE A DEGREE THAT SAYS I DO!

So how do I explain that lapse of logical thinking to an employer. Because clearly I don't have attention to detail seeing as I went through my last 2 1/2 years of college studying what I wanted to be my HOBBY!

And obviously I can't multi-task because I could have easily declared a double major or even a minor in Music, Journalism, or Creative Writing.

I'm not a go getter or pro-active because the main reason I didn't declare another major or minor is because I was too lazy and didn't know how to go about doing it. So I didn't.

How do I put all of that on a resume? That would be the best looking resume ever.

KJ Barnes

phone number

Address/email

Education: Well see I have an explaination for that...

I don't think I'd be able to explain myself away in the job interview either. "Uh Well. I just wanted to challenge myself and try something new." Aka...I didn't really understand the purpose of going to college...whoopsy.

Now what jobs am I applying for? You got it. Not singing, not writing, Fitness.

Someday it'll all make sense.

A Sabatoged Moment in Time

You know those very rare things in your life that you actually prepare for? Those big moments that you've been planning on for sometime, rehearsed, ironed out the details, gone through the what if's and how you can prevent them or glide throught them. The anticipation that happens in the days and moments before this happening and you are filled with pure excitement, mainly because you've been preparing for this moment, and you know it's going to go perfectly.

My moment didn't go perfectly. I'll do my best to explain so that you can attempt to understand the heartache I'm going through right now.

There is this venue in Manhattan, The Village Underground, that has one of the most well known open mic nights ever. People have been discovered there and more prominent people come to listen in.

Needless to say it was a BIG deal for me to get up the courage to decide that I was ready to sing there. Months and months to be exact. I finally picked a song to sing, spend hours and days learning it, breathing it, listening to variations of it, making it my own, so that when I performed it I would be able to take everyone by surprise. Or at the very least not forget the words and freeze up on stage.

I had my 3 roommates come with me, and 2 friends meet me there, and had another friend sign up to sing along with me. (Signing my name on the list took me a good 20 minutes and a threat from the MC that the list was closing.) I needed support, and encouragement.

But at least now, I was confident in my song choice and knew that when it was my turn I was ready to tear it up. Make it my last goodbye, my fairwell to New York. Something that signified that I had done it in New York, and I would finally get to sing.

My moment was so close and I was more than ready for it. Even with a little nerves.

After waiting hour after hour after hour, I was one of the last 2 of the night to perform. There had been many go before me, but I knew I was good enough to hang with them. I knew in my heart I would give them a run for their money.

So my name finally gets called to take the stage after 3 hours of patiently waiting and clapping for everyone else. They have an amateur pianist with the band and I tell him my song. Long Distance by Brandy.

He doesn't know it...

So they call over the professional pianist.

He doesn't know it either...

I want to cry.

They ask me if I know any other songs. And of course I do. So I think for 10 short seconds and say how about Natural Woman? Everyone knows this song. So I thought.

The amateur pianist stays on.

He starts playing something that sounds like jibberish to my now nervous ears. I'm waiting for the "duh duh duh do do" to play so that I can start singing. But it never happens. I'm standing up there, still. Eyes in a blank stare out into the 2nd level of the dark audience, attempting to smile, but getting increasingly akward as I try to figure out when to jump in and start the song. I step up to the mic and hear someone yell "What are you singing!!!"

I wanted to yell back "I'm not sure! I can't figure out what he's playing!"

I step back from the mic and try to signal to the guy something like "What the hell are you playing?!"

But end up mouthing "When do I start?" And shrugging my shoulders.

The professional guy tells me to start and keeps motioning for me to begin the song, but I have yet to hear a familiar note. So I stand there trying to figure out where to begin for at least another minute, which may as well have been eternity.

Finally I start.

I'm a little off beat, I rush, I slow down, I still can't figure out what the bank is playing. I hit the high note, whoopie, and am lost in the beat again. The background singers decide they know the song at the chorus and pitch in, nearly drowning my vocals out, but at least someone knows the song. I forget the words during the second verse and by the second chorus I'm ready to cry.

I finish the 2nd chorus and begin my ad libs totally out of rythmn with the band and finally just give up. I tilt the microphone up on the stand and push it down. I waved thanks to the guitarist, bass player, and shake the pianists hand and say thank you. All while holding back rage. For one not knowing the song I'd been preparing for months to do now, and two for messing up the most COMMON song in the world.

I felt like the biggest idiot who'd ever stepped foot on the stage and felt like I really didn't belong. I've been waiting for the day I'd get to sing at the Village Underground and perform something for everyone. And when I finally get my chance I was sabatoged by an amateur pianist.

I'm hoping I learn a lesson for the future. To always have a back up song that's just as good as the primary song, and never put all of your excitement eggs in one basket. Because someone will knock you over and you'll be left to pick up all those eggs alone and no one else will understand how long it's taken you to get them all in one place.

This happened for a reason, this happened for a reason.

Expecting your Expectations

I'm moving.

Really.

This time I'm finally doing it. I've shipped a box of stuff home, given my 30 day notice to my landlord, planned a going away party. And tomorrow what I'm dreading the most...giving my 2 weeks notice at work. Not because I'm THAT sad to leave, but I always feel like quitting a job is like a personal attack on the company. Although that's not how I intend it, that's how I feel it comes off.

I've been having to tell people that I'm moving and why. Why California? Why now? Will I miss it? Am I glad to be leaving?

Yes, Yes, YES, YES

I am ready to move on and it's time.

I've been giving all of these cliche answers to all their questions and sometimes I'm not sure how I really feel. Of course I'm ready to go and I feel like it's the right thing to do. I think I just get a little bogged down with the idea that yet again I'm making another life changing decision and move.

In the last 3 years since college I've had a life changing fire, a life changing move, a life changing relationship, a life changing job, and another life changing job and move. All in a major way. So it's kind of overwhelming when life just keeps happening too you. These are times when I know that it's not me who's in control, but God. Because all of this couldn't have just happened by chance.

But as I was saying, I've had a lot of "life changing" experiences in the past couple of years and it's quite a bit to swallow when you're just trying to live a normal life and get by. So the severity of it all get's to me from time to time and I wonder if my world will ever settle down. If I'll ever get that calm job, with a steady boyfriend and boring dinner dates, with predictable anything. I never know where my life is going and sometimes I wish I did.

I tend to have a plan that lends itself a couple months out, but anything long term is lost in the "what if" confusion. I don't need boredom I just need stability.

I think that's what I'm looking for California to mean to me. It represents home, a place that was always there for me, that I can rely on and relax in. Whether that's how it will be when I get there is up for debate, but there's no arguing that's what it looks like in my mind.

I'm wondering what emotion I'm trying to sort out with this blog, but I can't quite dig far enough to figure it out. Something is still pressing my heart and I can't tell you what it is because my brain is working to hard.

Well...Here's to expecting your expectations.

A big piece of me and a little piece of my heart are staying here

I don't know if I was ready, I might be ready but I'm not. Yes, I am as confused as it sounds.

I planned to work for the O'Briens this summer in Martha's Vineyard as their full time nanny. I know, I know the last time I was a full time nanny I wanted to severly hurt their mother. (Is that safe to post on the World Wide Web?) Well she treated me like I was the scum of the earth, and I'm not Godly enough to feel any other way. I digress...I love this family they are incredible and I know this summer will be well worth it.

Anyway, my plan was/is to live in New York until the end of June, go with them to Martha's Vineyard, then move home after that. I'd move out of the Broadway hotel in June and ship all my stuff home before then so that when I left for the Vineyard I'd be moved out for good. It's a good plan. And it seemed like a REALLY long time away.

That is until this evening after work I checked my e-mail and I opened an e-mail from my new mother boss with my flight confirmation out to the vineyard for the summer on June 28th, the day after my last class at The Little Gym.

Woah.

It's real.

All of a sudden this summer is really soon and me moving back to California is SO close and before I know it I have no time left here and I'm getting really emotional.

I knew that when I left New York I'd be really sad. A big part of "me" happened while living here. I'm not a completely new person, but I'm such a better person, who has been through so much change and so many obstacles and is now a woman. A big piece of KJ will be here for ever. I owe this city a lot for what it has allowed me to become.

I'm not the same person in California that I am out here. A different lifestyle calls for a different part of me. Both good parts, just different. I'm going to miss this one.

I'm going to miss my life, I'm going to miss Muna. It makes me sad to be leaving her here, especially because everyone has left New York, not just me. Jeff, Daynelle, Alicia, her cousin, and her sister. I think it's getting to her. But maybe it'll be good for her. Maybe it'll be good for both of us.

I am eating regularly now, so at least I don't feel like I HAD to leave the city. Still I don't look forward to telling people about it. I know most people will give me the fake sad face that you're suppose to give people when they tell you that they are leaving and probably won't ever see them again. And there will be a few who may genuinely be sad to see me go, but not very many I'm sure of it. And there will be even less who actually keep in touch, probably only Muna and Famous.

But that's ok, I won't keep in touch with them either. Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime.

Still...receiving my flight confirmation today...took a little piece of my heart. But I can't lose myself in a frown. I was talking to my dad recently and I was telling him that I thought it was time to move home because, although I've made it in New York I'm not doing what I want with my life. My dream was never to be a Nanny, and it was never to be a Gymnastics Instructor or Birthday Party Coordinator, I want to sing and if nothing else I want to be a Mom . Then he told me that time CAN go by and you do nothing about it. Sometimes A lot of time will go by and people will do Nothing with it because they are continuing to live how they are living, and not move forward...You have to pursue life, it won't just happen for you. He's right. Thanks Daddy.

I'll be seeing you sooner.