Painful Patience

I know I have a lot to work on. I know I don't have patience and the world makes me feel so justified. I should be able to get what I want and I should do whatever it takes to get it now. It's not often that anyone or anything tells you that if you want something you have to be able to wait for it. I struggle daily, hourly with not knowing how long I will have to wait. Or how long is too long, or if their is even a limit. 

KP and I have been officially together for 6 1/2 years. Although I've known for almost 8 years that he is the one God planned for me to be with as I heard loud and clear one night, twice. 

I had the patience to wait to get married for about 2 years. Maybe 3 just to give me the benefit of the doubt. But day after day it's gets increasingly painful to be patient. Especially with people telling me at every turn that they would have left him by now. 

From years 3-5 I went from being ok waiting, since we were long distance for 3 years, to gradually becoming more upset by the idea of celebrating anniversary after anniversary still unmarried. 

By year 5 I'd become full blown upset. But semi secretly because i didn't want people to think I was weak. I didn't want people to give me that pitty face, or ask me why I was with him. No one ever asks why you're with someone before they ask why aren't you married?  They always seem to imply that you're wasting you're time or there's something terribly wrong.  But the fact is I never had the answer to any of their "when aren't you getting married" questions and it drove me bananas.  Because that was a question I terribly wanted the answer to as well. 

As we neared year 6 things were looking promising and I could just feel a ring coming. We'd talked about marriage, made plans and I was on cloud 9 and confident that my life was finally headed down the road I'd always wanted. But I never in a million years, or a billion years could have predicted what was about to happen next.  

Long story short.  It just so happened that KP had been sick. In a number of ways. Physically and mentally. To the point where he could have literally died at any point. 

Now this is the point when I lose all sense of...well sense. I had every emotion I'd ever felt, times about a million.  Plus feelings I'd never known existed.  I was a wreck for a solid 9 months. 

I felt like my whole future was shattered. After waiting 5+ years for the man of my dreams I came this close to losing him. 

Maybe that's why I became even more frantic to get married at year 6. Almost losing the love of my life, turning 30, and still not being married really screwed with my head. 

And let me be real. I'm still trying to figure things out in this head space. I'm not writing this because I came up with a solution in how to be patient or how I found the perfect quote to make me feel grateful for everything I do have in life, and the secret to contentment. 

I'm just writing this to put it out in the world so that someone who has gone through or is going through something similar can feel ok. At the very least can know they're not alone. And know that you're not always wasting your time in a relationship just because it confuses everyone else.  

I'm probably writing this selfishly.  I'm writing it to try justify my feelings, to help me try to work things out. Maybe seeing it and organizing my thoughts will get me to a point of understanding. 

My relationship may not be normal and I don't understand quite yet what God is doing, but I'm gonna try my best to let Him do it. 

I can't promise to patiently wait but I can promise that I will try to reflect more often and get to small windows of calmness about my future. 

I don't know what God has planned for me but I'm sure glad that He has a plan. 

More than likely won't kill me

God will never give you more than you can handle.

Thats what "they" say.

Well frankly I don't believe it.

As I spend nights in the fetal position balling my eyes out trying to distract myself from the torturous thoughts going on in my mind and replaying terrible conversations, attempting to fight back my random outbursts, unnecessary fights and complete and utter breakdowns, I find it very hard to believe that any of that represents ANY version of "handling" it.

Will I live through this? Yes.

More than likely it won't kill me.

Is it more than I can handle?  Yes. ABSOLUTELY.

I am not that strong.

(I'm also slightly dramatic...)

I've been in depressing situations before.  I worked for the Devil Wears Prada back in my New York days and thought I'd never be the same after that experience.  Yet somehow the human psyche is resilient and I made it back to myself.

This time, with the same feeling of helplessness, I feel like I just need a few days to myself to cry.

Now don't get me wrong I don't think God threw me under the bus or anything.  I just feel like maybe that saying is a little off.

Like maybe...

God will never give you more than HE can handle.

Because I can't handle much of anything.  But WITH God...well we all know my stance on that one.

With God (the internet...and lately lots of coffee) ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Blindsided Into Your Recovery

My life is a mess.

I tried unsuccessfully to ignore all of the ongoing issues and stay busy.  Except now it's physically making me sick, and every single day off I've had since November I've been in tears at some point during the day.  And even now on days that I don't have off.

I wonder what happened to that happy girl?

I had the innocence and joy of a child, but something has taken that all away and I have no idea where to go or what to do to get it back.

I don't want to admit that adults just can't be that happy.  After a while I guess we all get jaded by life. Maybe one heart really can't stand all the pain that life has divided amongst us.  Maybe we're all bound to being life size robots, and there's nothing we can do about the joy stealers of the world.

You know, someone very close to me is going through drug addiction recovery, just got diagnosed with anxiety, depression, already had insomnia, and a raging ulcer, and he's getting all kinds of help from doctors, counselors, etc...but what about this sad little girl.

I'm not the one with the problem so therefore there's nobody left to be there for me.

Unfortunately I've also been burdened with keeping this a secret from everyone that I know as well, so I'm limited to the amount of people that I can talk to.  Limited meaning I have 1 person to talk to which is my recovering, depressed friend who can barely handle his own recovery, let alone mine.

Therefore I end up feeling selfish when I have breakdowns in front of him, and guilty because I'm making things so much harder for him that they should be, and I don't want to be the reason that he fails in recovery.  So I'm scared every time I say something.  I watch everything I say because I don't want to make him mad.

I feel like my happiness depends on his recovery and I helplessly stand by hoping, and praying that he's getting better because I don't know how long I can hang on while I watch him take baby steps towards a normal life.  Trying to trust someone with both of your lives is terrifying and painful.

I feel like I'm trapped in his recovery.  It's a terrible place to be.

I never saw any of this coming.

Total Blindside.