Caught with my defenses way down

I'm in such a pissy mood.

I could tell you how awful it is to work where I do and how disrespectful and anal my boss is. I could tell you all of this and you're thought, if not response would be...

I would NEVER allow anyone to treat me like that. I would stand up for myself and say this this and this.

Words always seem stronger when they are directed at nobody.

When in reality when it really comes time to stand up for yourself and be strong, you'll find more often than not that while it's going on, you have no idea until it's over and your regurgitating the story to someone else that you realize "Oh my gosh, that was so awful! I can't believe I let her say that to me and didn't even retaliate!"

Then you form your response for the next time it happens so you'll be ready, but instead of being ready, you're totally unprepared for the next attack because she does it oh so suttly, maybe even disguises it as nice and even sincerely.

Evil people are so smooth. It's not always a violent attack on the ego, or a lashing out of words. That's rare and that's what we prepare for.

How many of us actually prepare for the deep wounding remarks that slide right by our defenses and down into our soul, slowly breaking us down for no one else to see. So that when the straw finally brakes the camels back everyone around us is SHOCKED!

NOBODY saw it coming because nobody on the outside saw the problem!

Well now I look like the crazy sensative little girl who can't handle her little assistant "nanny" job, and can't stand up for herself.

How on EARTH did I end up with this job God? Why? I'm learning a lot but my God did you have to choose the toughest way for me to learn?

The smile of sadness

Nobody knows me, how can anybody know me better than I do? They can't, they can only see what I let them see. And on top of that they only see what they want to anyway. No matter who I choose to show them they are going to see who they want me to be regardless.

So why bother putting on a show? Why bother putting my best foot forward when most impressions about me are made before even meeting me?

I wish learning not to care wasn't such a hard process, such a long process. If I could choose I would just be a loner, the one who stood out because everybody willingly admitted that they couldn't figure me out. The one who sat alone and became more of a mystery as the days went by. So much of a mystery that all anyone could do was make up stories about the person they want me to be.

Instead I am the girl that everyone figures is exactly what they see. That I am easy to read and practically transparent. When really what you see is so far from what you get. The difference is that everyone like the girl they think I am better than the one I really am.

How many people do you know that when they get down or are having a bad day, people actually get upset with them for feeling that way? Or when they are having a serious issue or bout with minor depression that everyone close to them is impatiently waiting telling them to snap out of it because they can't carry you?

I Kimberly am not allowed to stray far from the smile. The shape of my lips define who I am in your eyes.