Blindsided Into Your Recovery

My life is a mess.

I tried unsuccessfully to ignore all of the ongoing issues and stay busy.  Except now it's physically making me sick, and every single day off I've had since November I've been in tears at some point during the day.  And even now on days that I don't have off.

I wonder what happened to that happy girl?

I had the innocence and joy of a child, but something has taken that all away and I have no idea where to go or what to do to get it back.

I don't want to admit that adults just can't be that happy.  After a while I guess we all get jaded by life. Maybe one heart really can't stand all the pain that life has divided amongst us.  Maybe we're all bound to being life size robots, and there's nothing we can do about the joy stealers of the world.

You know, someone very close to me is going through drug addiction recovery, just got diagnosed with anxiety, depression, already had insomnia, and a raging ulcer, and he's getting all kinds of help from doctors, counselors, etc...but what about this sad little girl.

I'm not the one with the problem so therefore there's nobody left to be there for me.

Unfortunately I've also been burdened with keeping this a secret from everyone that I know as well, so I'm limited to the amount of people that I can talk to.  Limited meaning I have 1 person to talk to which is my recovering, depressed friend who can barely handle his own recovery, let alone mine.

Therefore I end up feeling selfish when I have breakdowns in front of him, and guilty because I'm making things so much harder for him that they should be, and I don't want to be the reason that he fails in recovery.  So I'm scared every time I say something.  I watch everything I say because I don't want to make him mad.

I feel like my happiness depends on his recovery and I helplessly stand by hoping, and praying that he's getting better because I don't know how long I can hang on while I watch him take baby steps towards a normal life.  Trying to trust someone with both of your lives is terrifying and painful.

I feel like I'm trapped in his recovery.  It's a terrible place to be.

I never saw any of this coming.

Total Blindside.