Respect and becoming uncensored

I'm so exhausted and slowly but surely I'm losing respect for my boss. I don't know how everyone before me did this job for a whole year. I'm beginning to see quitters with a new found respect and a bit of envy.

If I'd ever quit anything I would have dumped this job two months ago. I know I sound like the Bitter Betty friend that you had in high school who seemed to always have something to complain about, but negativity inspires me to write more than anything. The good that happens during the day doesn't compare on paper to the negative that hovers over my head. Ironically I'm a happy person. But who am I trying to convince.

The thing I like most about blogging is that nobody actually sits and reads all of this so I find more of a freedom to say the things I can't write anywhere else. Even my journal. I think the idea that somebody might read it validates my feelings better than when I write in my journal, because my journal is between me and God.

Although God isn't incapable of validating me, it's nice to know some other people who may be struggling right along with me can agree with me over the internet.

I'm really trying to keep a "Christian" attitude about working here but I'm finding it hard to set a boundary and determining when I'm being taken advantage of and when I'm doing things by choice. Or do I even have a choice?

I've always been very easily swayed and I've been very successful and making myself feel like I've made too big of deal out of something. Which I'm finding that I'm doing again. How do I gage when something is wrong and when I am over reacting. I know not everything is my fault, but it would be easier to fix if it was.

One of my biggest problems is that I'm afraid to let out the negative because, again, if I let it out, it's validated and it really exsists. It's probably not the healthiest thing to deny feelings of guilt and anger in hopes that somehow they will go away. But like anything, through time it becomes easier to do the more you do it and the longer you do it for.

My life has been so blessed I really have no business complaining about temorary things such as jobs and pushy, selfish bosses. On paper I'd look like the luckiest girl alive. Where does all this come from? I wouldn't consider myself ungrateful. I'm very aware of my many blessings but I do take them for granted at times.

As many walls as I've broken down to be who I am today, I don't think I'm there yet. I'm not fully who God made me. I want to be her. I'm trying to be here. I want to be secure.

I want to be uncensored.

Home came to me

For the past 10 days 4 of my closest friends from California came to visit me in New York, including KP and his brother. We had a great time but entertaining 4 people in your house for 2 weeks while preparing to go back to work and working at the same time is so overwhelming. Thank God for KP.

One night I was coming home from a day out with the girls after a night until 7am with the boys and I thought I was going to die. I was so exhausted that by the time I got home around 6pm I went into my room laid on the bed and cried.

KP came in the room seeing that I was about to have a mental breakdown and laid with me and helped me calm down. Then he rolled me onto my stomach to give me a much needed massage. I've never felt such a great release in my life! Everytime he pressed I could feel a little bit of anxiety leaving. By the time he was done he'd put me to bed.

I don't know what I'm going to do without him or my old roommate Jeff here. They are such a silent strength. Maybe I'm realizing just how much I'm depending on them. I don't want to do things alone anymore. I don't want to discredit my decision to move here, but I'm reaching the end of my road here and I'm trying to enjoy it.